A discussion

Hi all,

I just spent the last 3 hours talking with a 19 year old girl about what it means to be a girl in this environment, in Keshod. At every step, there is sacrifice. She cannot make her own decisions, or even when she can, they are mostly based on how her actions will reflect upon the family name. My study revolves around talking about gender bias in healthcare seeking behaviour. If it's a boy or a girl child, do parents keep any bias in the way they would seek treatment for a boy or a girl? Does the birth of a boy or a girl child impact the way a new mother will utilize Post Natal Care services and how her family will look after her and the new child? What is the difference in the way adolescent boys and girls seek healthcare? Through these interviews and FGDs, the one constant line that I hear at least once is that "a boy is a must". They need the boy to carry forward the family name, but the burden of maintaining the family's reputation lies on the girl's shoulders.

A woman is considered the honour of a household. Her virginity is staunchly associated with her family's honour, more than her own honour. You might be wondering, so? What is wrong in that? What is wrong in that is the impact that this burden has on a girl's life. Her mobility, her health, her education, her life. Parents are afraid at the thought of letting their girls go outside the village that "what if something happens". What if she falls in love and has sex!! Let alone sex, what if she falls in love! In a very telling interview, when asked what are some of the health problems faced by adolescent girls in your village, one health service provider answered "she might fall in love", indicating, she might have unsafe sex with her partner, might get STDs, HIV/AIDs, or she might get pregnant. While this fear is understandable, what is more telling is that if she "falls in love" people are more concerned about the ruination of the family name rather than the actual health of the girl. This basic difference in mindset influences the way people respond to practical situations.

A girl's mobility is definetely restricted as compared to a boy, but her mobility has an impact on her healthcare. First of all, if a girl has any kind of a reproductive health problem (menstruation problems etc etc), she may not even disclose it to anyone, because she is shy. At times, she cannot even tell her mother. And when she can, and the problem is serious and she needs treatment outside the village, the parents can hesitate in taking her due to societal fears. They think that if we take her outside for treatment, this this information might spread throughout the village and people will say she has a bad character, and it will have a direct impact on the marriage proposals that might get. But if the same reproductive health problem is faced by a married woman, then it is alright, because she is married, she has the license. Because of possible bleak marriage proposals, her health can be compromised.

Because of the mobility issue, she is also not allowed to study. In every village, there is a primary school that goes till grade 7. Girls are taught till 7th. But if there is a highschool in a nearby village, and if the talks come on the idea of sending the girl outside the village to study, parents stop her education. This is not in all communities, it is dependent on caste and the families financial condition. While her brother will be educated, she will start taking care of the household work and field work. Work becomes her life from a very early age in these circumstances. By the time she is 18, she gets married off and off she goes to her in-laws. Within a year she has a child, and she will keep having children until they have at least one boy child. There have been cases where people have had 6 girls and then finally one boy. But even after having one boy, they will wait to get sterilized until the boy is at least 5 years old because the child mortality rate highest between that age group. Right now, the condition is a lot better as most people have awareness and understanding that a small family is a happy family, but still it is an incomplete family until there is a boy child. When asked, why is a boy so important, the answer invariably was "he will carry forward the name, the girl will get married off and carry forward the lineage of another family, but a boy will carry forward our name, he will be our support".

I have a lot more to say but I have written a lot and I think you must be tired by now. Nonetheless, these are the issues that I am dealing with in this study, and this is just the surface. But one question that I am stuck at right now is while I was talking with this girl, it was evident she didn't talk with many other people about it. When asked, can I talk with a few more of her friends, just as a converstaion, she asked, what will you do about it? You are leaving. Even the last interns who came, they spent so much time with us, and now, they are there and we are here. I am faced with that situation that I used to read in anthropological theories, the power of "leaving the field". The things that I have written about are the daily realities of these people, but perhaps a research exercise for me. I can leave and go back to my cozy reality, where I have power and control in my life, to make my own decisions in all aspects of my life. I can still see the way she turned around, smiled and said, "what will you do? you are leaving".

It is true. What will I do? write a report, gain some experience, and then? While I have gotten a lot out of these people, what have they received from me? The nature of such internships is unbalanced, meant more for the Canadian intern then the organization and the communities they are working with. And when the community members look at me squarely in the eye and ask what will I do, at this moment, I don't have a reply for them.

Hi

Hi everyone,

I am not sure if any of you can actually read my blog. Since I changed my blog name, I have stopped receiving responses from you guys. Are you reading my blog? :(

Right now, I am wrapped in a blanky, sitting alone in my apartment in Keshod and watchign this movie Namastey London. I have had a long day in the field today. Am almost done with data collection now. Just 3 more interviews to get done and one more focus group. In the meanwhile, the translation/transcribing phase has started and jeebus it is so tedious and time consuming. But that's qualitative research for you.

I am really tired right now actually. Was going to sit and do some transcribing but instead thought of uploading some pics. The last festival that we went through here in india is called Utrayan, it's this kite flying festival and I am not sure what it's religious significance is. But I celebrated it by going to a friend's terrace on the 11th floor, flying kites, clicking pics and just enjoying Ahmedabad's view from up on the top. After that, I went to Delhi for two days to give a presentation on my internship at the Shastri institute. The presentation went well and it was also a great opportunity to catch up with what the other interns have been doing during their stay here. I spent some time with my friend Pulin in Delhi and it was lovely. I love his dog!!!! Although the pug is called "Jazz", I want to call him "Happy". For those of you unaware, for years now, I have had a wish to name my dog Happy, and I think i will do just that one day. But seriously, I love this doggy, he is so affectionate and yet so obedient, lovely! mmmmmmm I miss Jazzy now :(

Nonetheless, in Delhi I went to Connaught Place, this very famous, busy shopping place there. While I didn't do any shopping there, being in Delhi again made me realize that I really appreciate living in a place where I get to see different types of people. Where I get to see people of all colours, all shapes and sizes and all walks of life. I really do appreciate that. Now that I think about Victoria especially, it almost seems so bland. I think at this stage in my life, I need a big city to live in. A big busy beautiful city with all sorts of people. Let's see where that takes me.

My internship itself is coming to an end and I have entered my last month in Keshod now. Part of me is excited to move out of Keshod and live in Ahmedabad for a month, but the other half of me is going to miss this place. It gave me an opportunity to learn a few things about myself and show me a whole other side of India, a side that I want to know more about. These days, everything is colliding heads on. My masters application, my work, and the idea of leaving India soon, all are colliding in my head and jumbling up. If today was March 29, I wouldn't want to leave. Part of me doesn't really want to think about coming back just yet. But the other part does look forward to the luxuries of home again. Will keep you uptodated on how I am feeling about that one.

In the meanwhile, I have posted some new pics up again. Here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/sharma.richa41/DropBox?authkey=hgBCTUY0u6Y#

For those who are still reading this blog, let me know if you are able to see the pics or not! Till then, hope you are all well and healthy,

Love,
Richa

Happy New Year!

Hi All,

So it's been a while since I wrote my last blog. But to be honest, I just didn't feel like it. Much has happened, but at the moment am happy. Just recently two of my friends came to Keshod and I took them on a little sight seeing tour, mostly beaches. One is Somnath beach, with a temple on it. THis is the second time I went there, and yet again more than the temple itself, I was more amazed by the beach. It was lovely. The other beach, from which most of the pics are from are those taken at Holiday Camp. The water here is very dangerous as the area is extremely rocky with a lot of variation in heights. It's infamous for number of tourists dying who go infor a swim but are sucked in and are unable to pull themselves out of the water. Needless to say, we didn't exactly go for a swim in the water, but we certainly did go on a stroll. This is by far my most favourite place in India as of now. I simply love it.

I have posted up the pics and here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/sharma.richa41/DropBox?authkey=hgBCTUY0u6Y#

I have more pics from New Years but they are circulating on my friend's camera, so as soon as I get them, will be passing them on to you soon enough.

Hope you are all doing well and the New Year has started on a positive note!

Love,
Richa

Mumbai, media and the "indian unity"

I have not been able to really sleep last night. At around 2.30 am there were news reports of firing occuring at the Delhi International Airport but when I went on all the TV news channels, there was nothing. I came and checked online and sure enough firings had been reported at the airport and supposedly all the airports accross the country are on high alert due to a hijack threat. 2 days ago, an 8 kg bag filled with RDX was found at the train station in Mumbai. But this was not reported on any of the tv channels. There were 10 bombs planted throughout the whole of Mumbai, or at least 10 KNOWN bombs planted, 9 have been found and defused but somewhere there is still 1 live bomb lying around.

So what is the media covering? Bollywood's reaction to the attacks. Quite literally, one of the news channels invited all the bollywood stars to comment and lament about the situation their country is in. One famous bollywood director, RG Verma and an actor Ritesh Deshmukh (who happens to be the son of the recently resigned ex chief minister of Mumbai) made the rounds of the Taj Hotel with the chief minister upon his first inspection of the site. This led to a massive outcry that RGV is conducting his preliminary research for his next movie in which he will take Ritesh as the actor. This story took on quite a bit of footage on screen until the director had to come on Tv and assure that no, he is not going to make a movie on this. The actor/son of course did not have to give any explanations. It is quite an altogether different story that the same news channel (Aaj Tak) is highly sensationalizing. It broughton all its TV staff together and they of all the people declared war on terror. Again, a NEWS channel declaring their own war on terror. They had a 3 minute pledge on TV and at first I thought this is a bad time for a joke but when I realized they were serious I literally could not stop laughing.

You might say that alright, those are the sensationalizing channels but what of those ones that still are comparatively better. Well, one of the leading Indian journalists Barkha Datta has been forced to comment and justify the media's behaviour during those 60 hours. Those who were doing the live coverage during those 60 hours have been accused by some people and some army/navy chiefs of not following safety protocol, being unsensitive to the hostages who were just released and their families as they tried getting their interviews. The allegations are numerous and if you are curious you check out what Barkha wrote here: http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/showcolumns.aspx?id=COLEN20080075194

And what are the politicians doing? Well, they are doing what they are best at. And that is playing politics. When the country was going through those 60 hours, all of them went into hiding. Not one comment anywhere. Yes, the president of the country, Pratibha Patel came on and gave a barely 2 minute TV statement that was worse than pathetic. Yes, we have a female president. But that means absolutely nothing and in infact harmful to a country like India when she is so incredibly inarticulate and lacks all possible credential to be a president. The chief minister of Gujarat, Narendra Modi went to the Oberoi hotel while the hostages were still inside being murdered and declared that he will give Rs. 1 crore ($ 260,000 CAD) to the families of each of the victims. Why this is inappropriate, people are still inside dying, and here is a chief minister (premier) of one state coming into another at an extremely sensitive point and already playing the who can doll out more money to the victims game. His presence was highly criticized and unwelcome. After the attacks, when the politicians were going out to victim's families homes, they were literally shunned. People were closing their doors on the faces. One infamous case, the chief minister of Kerala commented on the army officer, a native of Kerala, who died during the fighting, that had it not been for him, not even a dog would go to his families house. He was shunned and not allowed inside. There was some "outcry" that he needs to apologize but I believe that story has lost its retail sale value now. The day after the attacks, another minister stated that in a city like Mumbai, these "incidences" occur, so not exactly a big deal. I believe he was forced to resign. And so did the Indian home minister, and the chief minister of Maharashtra (the state Mumbai is in).

And what of the people? Well, those 60 hours it seems the entire country had paused for some time. I was sick during those days so all I was doing in my waking hours was watching tv news channels, reading newspapers and going online to read whatever news i could. The attacks started on Wednesday night and we thought, alright by morning things might be under control. To everyone's dismay, the morning came and went and things were still going in full gear even on Thursday night. 2 nights had passed by. I was up till 3.30 am on Friday morning watching the news until I couldn't stay up anymore. I went to bed hoping that this will be over when I wake up in the morning. It wasn't. 7.30 am and it was still going on. At 8 am Friday morning reports starting coming in that the last operation at Taj Hotel is over and they are doing a final combing operation. During these 60 hours, it was almost surreal to see what was happening. It seemed like a movie that has dragged on and on and on but you just can't look away. In the aftermath, when the casualty figures started pouring in, the country was waking up, in shock, in rage, in anger, and in grief. People wanted answers and all fingers were pointing towards the politicians to provide answers. "No politics please" ran news channels themes. Yes some fingers were also pointing towards the failure of the Indian bureacratic system as well as the failure of the indian intelligent services. People were gathering together and all started talking about how the terrorists have not won because India is still united. There were massive peace marches, 2 minutes of silence, flags were guarded, people were chanting slogans and wearing white. The major muslim organizations in Mumbai declared that the slain terrorists' dead bodies will not receive burial room in their cemetaries. There are 7 muslim cemetaries and none of them will be letting the bodies in. (This declaration has led to massive internet discussion rooms on what should be done with these bodies and the suggestions vary from digging a shallow pit, putting the naked bodies inside with pig intestines and blood to rot, to butchering them and displaying this on national tv to instill some fear etc etc. People's imaginations are running wild). The police at the moment is wondering what to do with the bodies and hasnt come up with solutions yet I think. Not to mention, major hostile feelings towards Pakistan right now. Many people are itching to just go and bomb Pakistan, declare war and bomb them until they hand over India's most wanted men who are said to be residing in Pakistan. The one captured terrorist, a young boy of 21 years age has stated that they were all trained in camps in Pakistan, and the men who trained them were ex-Pakistani army officers. While the pakistani government maintains that it is outrageous and "ridiculous" for the Indian govnt to point fingers at Pakistan, many Pakistanis are getting hostile themselves that why are they being blamed for this. Finger pointing, hostility and rising tensions. While the Indian government is currently not declaring war against Pakistan, I won't be surprised if that day is near.

In all this finger pointing, I feel angry at the Indian people. Before pointing fingers elsewhere, first look at yourself. This country is so ridiculously divided in so many ways that it is difficult to even begin. While Mumbaikaars can stand side by side with hotshot bollywood actors and chant that India is united and terrorists have not won, where the hell was this declaration of unity when bomb blasts were going off throughout the rest of the entire country during this year. Delhi, Jaipur, Bangalore, Ahmedabad, Surat and yes Mumbai. Did people not die in these attacks? So why was this outcry of unity not visible then? Was it because "only" 10-15 or 20 people died in each of these cities? Was it because that the areas where the bombs were placed were in the poorer/older parts of the cities, and the people who died were poor? So perhaps their lives have lesser value? When all these attacks occur in the other cities, it is easy for the middle class outrage to distance themselves and say "very bad very bad, what will become of India". I think at that point what they feel is that alright, these bomb blasts can only and usually take place in older parts of the city, at least it's not blowing up in my neighborhood, me and my family are safe na? But the moment a bomb blows up in Oberoi or Taj, all hell breaks lose perhaps because the realization comes in that if these elite areas are not safe, then they are definitely not safe. They can no longer afford to distance themselves from terror, they can no longer remain desensitized to it. Yes people died at the Taj and the Oberoi, but so did people at the CST (train station) but the media coverage was not nearly as extensive here compared to those at the hotels. Why?

I guess like any disaster, this one has also shown the good and bad side of the Indian polity. Divisions in government, in media in bureaucracy and the biggest menace of all, the divisions among the people themselves have weakened this country to a point where the same old story of divide and conquer keeps repeating over and over again. So in the meantime, I refuse to buy the whole "India is united" rhetoric. The day when the streets are flooded with people, protesting and organizing peace rallies for those people dying in bomb blasts in smaller cities in poorer areas is the day I will start reconsidering my stance. While writing this, I do not demean the lives that were lost during this attack. They were equally precious and every life lost to such senseless attacks is a heinous crime that must be condemned. My frustation and anger emerges when this national and international condemnation comes ONLY when the lives of 22 foreigners and other elite Indians or army officers are lost. When a historic hotel like Taj is blown up as opposed to a crowded market in Old ahmedabad. Why are people not outraged then? Where is the Indian unity calling for action then?

a good day

Well, I am ahppy to say that what I wished to do yesterday, I did today. Yesterday, I was in dire need of going out and being surrounded by nature and today I got a chance to do exactly that. I had gone for some fieldwork in a town called Chorvad (as well as a small village called Jarari). 15 minutes ahead of Chorvad lies a place called "Holiday Camp", it's a beach area. In the middle of the day we had some time off, so we took the chance to go visit there and it was totally worth it. It was exactly what I wanted, ocean for as far as the eye could see, nice coconut trees leading up to the beach, blue skies, warm water, a pebbly/shellish/sandish beach and that wind. God I am falling in loving with this wind that I think only India has. It's so pleasant and refreshing. That was a great part of the day.

The rest of the day as well went really good. I am realizing that I really do like interacting with people. I like meeting new people and talking with them about things. Also, I sat in a chagda again today after a long long time. For those of you who have forgotten what a chagda is, it's this motorbike with a lorry attached filled with people. I still very much enjoy riding in a chagda :P

Also, I did another thing that is new to me. Usually when I am travelling back and forth between Keshod and Ahmedabad, I take sleeper buses. Well today, I needed to come back to keshod from a village that was about 25/30 km away (yes I was travelling alone). And I saw this sleeper bus and just asked will it drop me off at Keshod and the driver and his two helpers said yes. So instead of getting a proper seat, I sat with the driver and his helpers by the door right in the front. As a result, what I saw was what the driver sees when they are driving, and it was lovely as the sun was just setting, the sky was a mixture of blues/reds and oranges. And I also realized just how skilled you have to be to be able to drive volvo buses on Indian roads.

Nonetheless, I had a fantastic day today! Hope yours went well as well!

Richa

PS: I have posted some new pics and they are available at:
http://picasaweb.google.com/sharma.richa41/DropBox?authkey=hgBCTUY0u6Y#

be happy keep happy

Wow, I am feeling terribly restless. This is my first entry after the span of two weeks. At the moment I am flooded by this energy, don't know where it came from, but I feel like being surrounded by nature, trees, waterfall, sunlight, clouds, etc etc. Feeling very odd, but in a good way. For days now I have been contemplating writing another blog but couldn't decide what I wanted to write it on. Well, here I am sitting in office, listening to songs, just finished drinking chai and am writing whatever is coming to mind.

For the last two weeks, I was in Ahmedabad surrounded by friends and family and it was a very nice stay. Yes i did get sick, but I was with people that could give me comfort and company, and that was well worth it. My work has stalled but it will pick up now, I will make it pick up ;) Right now, there is an image in my mind that is being blocked off. But I don't know, will try to share it.

As i said, I feel like being out with nature right now rather than being in this room. I am feeling terribly restless, like I want to do something but I don't know what to do. I want to go by the beach, with warm water, take pictures, breathe in the fresh air and just enjoy the wind. Woooooooooooow. I would really like that. Plus, it would be great if there is some kind of music going on in the background. I have been getting a lot of music lately, and I am enjoying most of it.

Lately, I feel like being happy. I am doing well I think. I think the trick to being well and keeping happy is to smile and then others around you automatically also start smiling. Be happy and keep happy?

And now one small anecdote that at least made me smile, or rather laugh. This time around when I came in bus from Ahmedabad to Keshod, I was really really sl
eepy and the bus arrived in Keshod at 6.30 in the morning. I had told the bus driver to stop at a certain point but he went past that, so I had to yell at him to stop stop. Finally he did, and I got off the bus. I had been walking for two minutes at this point when I finally realized that something was missing. Yup, I had left my big bag in the bus. After the initial round of swearing curses, the first thought that came to my mind (no joke) was "SHIT! my earrings!!!" And for those of you who know my love for junk earrings would understand this. My one and only fashion accessory, of which I have 40 something pairs, years and years of hard work, gone in the bus. The thought of that was too much to bare, and got me thinking. So I made a few phone calls, the bus company made a few phone calls, the bus driver made a few phone calls, and then he stopped and I ran. I ran to catch my bag and then heaved a sigh of relief, HURRAH THE EARRINGS ARE SAFE! Anyway, moral of the story, don't put all your eggs in one basket (dont put all your earrings in one bag).

I have much to say about the Mumbai bomb blasts as well, but at the moment, I need more time to sort out my feelings regarding them. As well be in the right frame of mind. Till then, take care all. Keep smiling ;)

Love

Ranting

For those of you unaware, the last one month has actually been a very emotionally exhaustive one. I was caught in tangles of relationships that have now severed. Yes it did hurt quite a bit, I went throught bouts of loneliness, confusion, not necessarily anger towards anyone else but just frustration at my lack of clarity, sadness, torn and guilt. I think tonight I have let go of all of that. Or at least realized I want to let go of all those emotions. I think it is time to accept that for a long time now, I kept hiding behind people. I started adopting other people's ways of thinking and opinions and started expressing them as mine, a sort of plagiarism in life. While I just stepped out of hiding behind one person, another has come in waiting to be let in. But I want a pause. I think it is high time I stop hiding behind other people. You know, many times I have heard "be selfish" and I myself have said that many times, but saying it and doing it are two entirely different things. Being selfish, being guilt free, being free, unattached and at times alone. Tonight, as I write this I want to be at that stage. For a change now, I think it is time to think of just me, not me and anyone else, just plain old me.

I think in trying to be honest with others, I stopped being honest with myself. That's a point of trouble. I want to feel what I feel without feeling guilty about it, I want to do what I do without having to explain or justify my actions or inactions. I have come to realize that yes, I have made many mistakes in my so short life so far. But I don't regret them. I have done what I have felt like doing in the moment. Sometimes doing that has worked in my favour and sometimes it has ended up badly or not in my favour. But I don't regret my actions. The catch is though, in this not-regretting-anything business, is taking responsibility of the consequences of my actions. To take responsibility and to learn from my mistakes. That's a skill that can take a lifetime, but at least I realize I need to learn it.

So what have I learnt now? I have just started feeling this sensation of focusing on just me. I have learnt and seen what happens when "I" gets lost in a "we" and I have seen that sometimes you need a strong kick in the ass to start seeing yourself again. I have learnt it is hard to be completely honest with yourself, mostly because sometimes you don't want to see your dark selfish side, you don't want to believe that you as an individual have the capability and the capacity to hurt another person. But the truth is, we all do and we all have at some point or other have hurt someone dear and close to us. Maybe the sooner we accept this, the easier things become in terms of accepting our flaws and failures, taking responsibility and living for ourselves rather than anyone else. I have also learnt the importance of dreams. If you have been following my blog, you willl understand that I see horrible dreams. Why? Perhaps I was too scared to see something good for myself. Many times we consider ourselves undeserving or unworthy of the love and attention we get. I do so as a defense mechanism so that the love and attention does not go to my head and make me cocky. But that defense also blocks out the good dreams. I want to start dreaming good things again.

But that requires a change in my thinking. A complete change. Not of what if's and but's, but of certainty and strenght. I will not be afraid to see happy dreams. Whether my dreams turn into a reality or not, I do not know. But perhaps the point is not that. Maybe the point is in dreaming itself. Having the courage and the strenght to see and visualize something just for me, something that I can close my eyes and I can feel I have achieved my dreams. Earlier, I kept looking everywhere, outside and inside ofme for clarity. But the thing is, clarity was always there within me. But I had muted its voice. Perhaps of fear of being alone, of hurting someone else, of guilt or whatever. But the voice of clarity was there all along. It's just that I didn't pay attention to it because my heart and mind were muffled by everyone else's voices. Now those voices have ceased, or I have pushed them away. It is time to find and listen to my own voice and I am happy to be there, am at peace with that.