AIR 116

Hi,

I think my subconscious mind has started accepting that I will be leaving soon. When I woke up in the morning, the last image of my dream that I remember was running to catch flight AIR 116. It’s probably because I have entered the last week of my stay here in Keshod. Yesterday I had a break for sometime in between translations and I started looking at my photos covering the last 5 years of my life, from the end of high school to the 4 years of college life and the last year. I usually never used to see the videos as I tend to prefer photos for some reason. But yesterday I happened to click on one of the videos and it was a video of my 19th birthday party, that was 2nd year. It was a fun time, although it ended too soon! It’s fantastic that I can look back at all these pics and videos and they can still make me laugh. While it’s true that friends lose touch, lose contact or in the worst of cases they part on bad terms, I guess all we end up with at the end of the day is some few lovely memories perhaps. Of course there are the shitty ones as well, but I tend to have a bad memory so the little memory space I have is more occupied in remembering the good stuff over the bad stuff. So for all those lovely memories, thanks to one and all!

On a different note, I have noticed that I am starting to get in my aggressive mode. Every time I come to India for more than a month, towards the end of my stay I start getting very aggressive and irritable. Just this morning when I was walking to the office, I felt like staring back at all those eyes that were watching me. But I didn’t. Just like everyday, I either looked up, straight at some obscure point or the ground in front of me rather than meet the sometimes curious and sometimes perverted eyes that are invariably looking at me every time I pass by. Earlier I used to wonder why do most Indian people at least tend to look down when they walk. I would get really really irritated and would think this has to do with a lack of confidence or that they are just oppressed in some way. But because I have started doing the same thing, I can at least speak for myself now and explain why I do it. It’s not about a lack of confidence, at least not for me. It is mostly men who are staring at me. The moment I look up and actually make eye contact even for a brief second, they think that I am giving them the green signal. If a guy is roaming around on his bike and you look up at him, he will turn around if he has to, but he will come after you. There is a saying here, “ungli do to pura haath pakad lete hai” “you give them a finger and they will grab your whole hand”. And as for women, I am not able to yet figure out why I don’t bother even making eye contact with them. Part of the reason can be that because I walk around with my hair open, and have a city like dressing sense, they think I am a spoilt girl. That’s what people in villages usually tend to think about city girls. They are spoilt – in what way precisely, am not too sure. I think they just find me odd. Once when I was walking by, a kid actually asked his mother in Gujarati “What type of girl is that!” Unfortunately my Gujarati is not well enough to understand what the mother replied back.

Nonetheless, the point is I am getting more aggressive. I think it’s just a defence mechanism. I have observed that about myself or I guess it’s a rule in general, you fight with those you love the most. I think my fight with India has started. I try to remind myself of all the negative shit that I know takes place here, I guess as just a method of making it easier to leave it and just detach. I know it’s not exactly the most healthy behaviour to cope with such situations, but at the moment that is what I am doing. While brushing my teeth this morning, I had to convince myself to stop being grumpy and if not smile, then at least be in a calm frame of mind.

I am alright otherwise. I know all of this “ohh I don’t want to leave India” blogs give the impression that I am dreading coming back home. I am not. In fact, bit by bit I have started looking forward to it now. I have started reminding myself of all the good things about home. I am not exactly able to predict how I will be once I am back there. At the moment I am in limbo right now, neither here nor there. Or as a lovely professor once taught the word to me, I am at a liminal stage.