Dreams

I have been an avid dreamer for years now. Perhaps it was after 11th that I really started seeing vivid dreams. I remember the first just dream I saw was seeing my own funeral. My body was being cremated and my soul or whatever you want to call it was floating above it watching the procession. Since then death has been a very recurring theme in my dream. Some of the more memorable death related dream has been that my hands have been chopped off, that I am eating ashes of the dead with a Muslim priest sitting beside me at the Pyramid in front of the MacLaurin building at the UVic campus. In my darkest moments, I see a woman dressed in black, with wild hair and a tilak made of ashes on her forehead. She has blood shot red eyes and she just stares at me, trying to intimidate me and scare me. In times of greatest distress, she comes and stays. Sometimes comes and lies down beside me. But the thing is, she ceases to make me afraid. If and when she comes, I tell her she is just a figment of my imagination, all my stress and darkest thoughts manifested in this one black ball of a witch, who is there because I have created her. Sometimes if I look at her face closely enough, she resembles me. And that reminds me, I have created this fear.
I am not sure why but I cannot remember the last time when I truly saw a happy dream. Throughout my years at UVic, these dreams got more vivid, sometimes more scarier, more absurd and at times I couldn’t make any sense of them. People tell me that these dreams might be a result of hiding something in yourself. Not speaking up about things that I need to speak about. Perhaps. Some tell me to not pay attention to these dreams, just let them be. But the thing is, I think my dreams are a way for my mind to show me clarity. To indicate things that I cannot see and make sense of consciously. Nightmarish and ghastly they maybe, but they are mine. At times I cannot wait to get up and sometimes I run in the dream and force myself to wake up. At other times, I am just an observer in my dream, not taking any action, but just being and seeing and letting things happen to me. Perhaps the one place where my dreams irritate me is when I start seeing these ghastly things about other people, those around me. That is when I feel helpless. My dreams can do things to me and I am ok with that. But I don’t understand why they do those things to my close ones. Sometimes they act as a premonition. I saw a terrible dream about a friend, but two days later, I received a positive and encouraging email from her telling me to keep going. But why did I have to see a bad dream about her? I don’t know. People tell me don’t let your dreams affect you like they do. But why should I not? In fact I do. I cannot reject and run away from these dreams. As I said, they are mine. And I think they are a way for my screwed up and perpetually confused mind to tell me things I otherwise don’t understand. A few years ago, I saw a horrifying dream about cannibalism, a baby was being weighed like some form of a meat at a butcher shop for sale, I went in a basement and it was filled with human carcasses hung upside down, bloody and some chopped, ready to be consumed for gluttony. I stopped eating meat for 2 years after that dream. Sometimes I wonder till when these dreams will follow me. Sometimes I wonder when will I see that perfect happy dream that makes you wake up with a smile or not wake up at all but just keep dreaming and stay in your dreamland. Or if that will come at all.